


Tower of Ivory and Gold

by dvorak12american



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:36:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22443439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dvorak12american/pseuds/dvorak12american
Summary: "I’m kept awake at night, haunted by demons wearing pale faces and staring at me with eyes darker than the darkest part of the night, eyes completely black and empty with no whites at all. Wails sound through the cold stone walls every night. On some nights, the screams are my own.And then, in the morning, I am nothing again. My face is clean, blank. I leave my cell behind and step into the prison of my mind instead."Clarissa Fairchild was supposed to be happy. It should have worked out. She should have been able to go home with the people she loved. But things fall apart, just like Clary's life.
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it! Wrote this bad boy back in March of 2019 and recently reread it, and was like, 'Hey, you know who would like this? AO3.' So here we are.  
> In this world, Edom was repopulated by a group of people similar to Shadowhunters, though the population is very small, and I'm not going to get into the science of it. Basically, Sebastian and Clary rule over this village of people, who worship them, but also hate them, kind of like how I feel about skinny jeans. I did not edit this after the first draft. I would apologise, but I'm not going to.  
> ALSO, this is IMPORTANT. The underlined parts are meant to be 'crossed out,' similar to how Tahereh Mafi's "Shatter Me" is formatted. You will see sentences written like this: "mainstatement 'underlined' mainstatement." This is done like this to show that her thoughts are jumbled and she is rewriting certain sentences in her mind, similar to how many people talk to themselves, or at least how I do. It is meant to be like this, so please no confusion.  
> Anyway, this will NOT get done, just making sure y'all know that. Maybe I'll post a chapter or two, but these really aren't in chapter format, and the ending is always when I stop feeling the vibes of the story. Sorry in advance.  
> Hope you enjoy :D

**365 days in a year.**

**365 sleepless nights.**

**365 broken promises and 365 unshed tears.**

**I sometimes wonder if I’m still sane.**

**I’m kept awake at night, haunted by demons wearing pale faces and staring at me with eyes darker than the darkest part of the night, eyes completely black and empty with no whites at all. Wails sound through the cold stone walls every night. On some nights, the screams are my own.**

**And then, in the morning, I am nothing again. My face is clean, blank. I leave my cell behind and step into the prison of my mind instead.**

**“We are desperate,” they beg, kneeling down before me, weeping. “Please help us.” They hold out their hands, always wanting more, more, more. They force themselves to their knees and knit their hands and pray to me like I am a god, forcing their problems onto me because they cannot handle it themselves. They do not know how to control their own lives.**

**But still I help. I help still, even as my soul screams for me to walk away, to leave this life behind. I carry their burden as if it is my own, carrying the weight of it on my own shoulders as they walk away, that much lighter, that much happier. “Thank you,” they say, as if it will lighten the load. “We love you.”**

**They don’t love me.**

**And Him, my brother, the king, is at my side, always. Always there, always watching.**

**Always making my life a living hell.** **Always controlling everything. Always in charge. Always listening.**

**He listens to my screams every night.**

**He thinks he knows what is right. He tells me what to do and where to go, and because I am trapped, because I am damned, I listen. I listen because I have to, or my nights will get longer and a lifetime harder.**

**He sits next to me on his throne, carved of gold, twin to mine of ivory. He thinks he knows what is right for us, for him.** **It’s always for him.**

**The woman prays at my feet, eyes as red as the blush of roses in my hair. Next to me, Sebastian is calm, contained, collected. His face is made of ice, beautiful to look at but frozen at the touch.**

**His soul, I imagine, is much the same.**

**“My lord,” the woman says, curtsying deeply, just enough for it to be offensive. “My lady. I know I am in no position to make suggestions as to how you rule.”**

**We wait, staring. It’s a game to him, to Sebastian. See who can wait longer. It’s always him. He always wins the waiting game. We are like chess pieces, the King and the Queen, watching, waiting on our thrones of gold and ivory, watching the game unfold. We are** **deadly** **beautiful.**

**The woman hesitates, then starts again. “But, your majesties, desperate times call, and the people of Edom beg of you to cede your search for the** **_skeptron._ ** **Beg pardon, but your search is tearing apart sacred lands and homes.”**

**Sebastian doesn’t blink. His face remains stone-cold, impassive. I try to follow suit, and I imagine I am facing Sebastian himself. With him, I am able to keep my face calm, without emotion. With everyone else I am not so** **lucky** **controlled.**

**“J-just yesterday, my lord, your Endarkened warriors threw one of my neighbours out of their home because they believed him to be hiding the** **_skeptron_ ** **in his home.” We don’t say anything. “My lord, my lady, I-I believe these searchings are cruel and unnecessary, and do not further your cause towards finding the** **_skeptron._ ** **” The woman breaks off, eyeing us uncertainly. She is sizing us up, I realise. Sebastian is** **scary** **impressive, but next to him, I am a child, useless.**

**To this woman, I am a myth. I do not exist outside of the castle. Only those desperate enough to visit the Gard in person look upon my face.** **Most don’t live to tell anyone a tale of the Queen anyways.** **I can’t tell if they are impressed or not, and I can’t bring myself to care.**

**Sebastian sizes up this woman, small and weeping at our feet, and makes a simple flicking motion with his hand. Two Endarkened warriors step forward, large spears in hand. The woman’s eyes widen as they grab her arms.**

**“My lord, why?” she cries, eyes terrified. One of the Endarkened raise their spear, and I recognise her as Amatis. I try to remember her before a time like this, a blue-eyed aunt of sorts, kind to me, letting me into her house in the darker hours of the night. I fail.**

**“You are beginning to bore me,” Sebastian drawls, standing lazily. His gaze is predatory, consuming. “I will not cease my search for the** **_skeptron._ ** **I will tear down the entire world if it pleases me.” His voice is ice cold, remorseless. The woman flinches.**

**Sebastian flicks his hand again, and I turn away just in time as the woman screams.**

**Game of Thrones. Lord of the Rings. Video games, television shows, cell phones. Memories of a time long before this version of me existed, back when I was Clary Fairchild, Clary Fray. They stain my mind like ink in water, spreading, blotting out everything I think I know. I live with memories of good things lost; a boy with golden eyes, a girl with a spill of inky hair, a pair of sorrowful blue eyes and a golden ring made with the artistry of faeries.**

  
  


**Do they know that I’m alive?** **Their memory keeps me alive.**

**Without them, I am a glass of water, clear, blank, empty.**

**I need to let them go.**

**I can’t let them go.**

  
  


**Someone has passed the wards.**

**Sebastian stalks around the room in circles, muttering quietly to himself. He is losing control, and I ** **am afraid of it** **can see it. I don’t know if he’s allowed me to see this or not. Some things he does are purposeful. Most things are. But some things are not, and whenever I glimpse that side of him, I shrink a little lower into myself.**

**It was nine o'clock when the alarm sounded. It's a quiet alarm, to anyone watching. But to Sebastian, it's as loud as a gunshot; he, of all people, knows when someone unwelcome breaks in.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for continuing this trip of a literary voyage! :D  
> In case you missed the notes in the first chapter, the underlined parts in this story are Clary's thoughts that she CROSSED OFF. Just so there's no confusion. This story should be able to read like a normal story without the crossed out bits, though why anyone would want to read it like that is a mystery to me. Anyways, enjoy! \\(◦'⌣'◦)/

**I cannot breathe.**

**My lungs have shriveled up in my chest like useless things and the colour bleeds out of my face and I’m bleeding out slowly.**

**They are not supposed to be here.**

**They are not supposed to be here.**

**They are not supposed to be here.**

**A pair of golden eyes stare up at me, and a pair of black ones, and blue ones and brown ones and a pair of unfamiliar pupils as well. My heart contracts in my chest and I am positive that I am going to** **die** **cry.**

**Sebastian, of course, is delighted.**

**“Welcome, my esteemed guests!” he booms, standing. His grin is as sharp as a razor, almost blinding. Tears burn in the back of my throat and I have to dig my nails into the palm of my hands to stop myself. Blood drips slowly from my curled fist. “What brings you wayfarers to thine humble abode?”**

**Jace scowls, his face a mask of fury. I want** **to wrap my arms around him** **him to leave. He should not be here. Panic grips my limbs, forcing me immobile. I don’t think I could stand even if I wanted to.**

**It’s Isabelle who speaks, Isabelle who should** **not be here** **learn to watch her tongue around Sebastian or she’s going to lose it. “Oh, you know, we were just exploring. Wanted to see what this new and improved Edom was all about. It’s definitely livened up a bit since the last time we were here.”**

**_The last time we were here._ ** **Pain makes my stomach cramp, and I force myself to be still. I will not remember. I will not think about it.**

**But the memories resurface against my will; memories of a pool in a cave and a woman with the same hair as me. Memories of a blasted plain and a group of weary travellers trekking over rocky hills. Memories of a boy with green eyes and a little girl, and preparations for a wedding.**

**I will not remember.** **I am remembering. And I am terrified.**

**Simon is staring at me. I am not looking at him. Instead, I am staring at the wall like it is the most fascinating thing. I count the cracks in the** **_adamas_ ** **walls, trying to burn a hole in the bricks.**

**Sebastian only grins. “I’ve forgotten how feisty you lot are,” he says, walking down the steps to the kneeling procession. Phaesphoros glints at his side. He reaches forward and grabs Isabelle roughly by the chin, making everyone in the room tense. Alec’s blue eyes are dark with fury.**

**“You’d best learn to mind your tongue,” Sebastian says, voice dangerously low. “Or you might find yourself without.”**

**This is too much for Alec. He lunges forward, pulling out a knife hidden in his boot. Sebastian doesn’t even flinch as the knife tears through his chest and slams home. Alec gapes as the hilt protrudes from Sebastian’s chest like some movie prop. Sebastian looks annoyed.**

**“You’ll die for that,” Sebastian says sharply, plucking the knife out of his chest with annoyance, tossing it aside. I flinch slightly as the knife clatters to the hard stone floor.**

**Sebastian’s words finally spur me into action. Wiping my bleeding palms discreetly on the red armour that I wear, I step off the lector and walk towards Sebastian, forcing my eyes away from the five pairs that are staring at me.**

**There is a stranger among the group, I notice. She has dark brown eyes and long brown hair, with tanned skin and a Spanish face. To everyone’s surprise, she is the one who speaks.**

**“Wait a second,” she interrupts as I take my place next to Sebastian. “Who’s this?”**

**Jace has aged a thousand years. “This is Clary,” he says, voice exhausted. I look away from his stare.**

**Oh god, his eyes.**

**The girl’s eyes widen with understanding, and her head snaps up in my direction. I flinch slightly away from her judging stare.**

**“So, what?” she demands, leaning forward as far as she can on her knees. “You’re Turned, then? You love Sebastian? What’s the deal, here?”**

**I say nothing to the girl, and instead turn to whisper something in Sebastian’s ear. His face twists at my words, and he sighs, annoyed. “Fine,” he huffs, gesturing to the Endarkened lining the walls. “Find our guests somewhere to stay for the night. The black cells are nice this time of year, I’ve heard.”**

**Isabelle suddenly jerks upright, trying to swing at Sebastian. He sidesteps her easily, twisting around and shoving her to the ground. “And make sure they have no weapons.”**


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter today, but hope you enjoy :)

**The hallways in this stronghold have never once failed to abandon me.**

**They certainly wouldn’t be the first.**

**When I first arrived in Edom, I aimlessly wandered the Gard in cheap pursuit of familiarising myself with my niche of this new unknown world that was to become my** **prison** **home, if only for the space of a second that was my life in this insubstantial wasteland.** **However much that would amount to anything.** **The sky was dark, with cold pricks of light shining through the heavy blanket of the dusty sky but providing no lantern. The darkness within me was a cavern, time without light. I searched for myself a palace of redemption, a way to cleanse my healing soul of the fresh horrors I had befitted myself. What I discovered instead was a music room. It was bare and decaying, the instruments dusted with lost memories of sunlight and cherished by no one. I found myself in those four walls. I composed myself on the bruised piano bench in the center of the sun-streaked, chalky atelier. When I opened my mind to the tears coagulated there, nothing arose. I had sold away the only tears I had left.**

**I left someone behind that day. I have not gone back to get her.**

**We walk that same hall now, passing tapestries depicting a war no one remembers. The warriors are following me with their eyes. I am leading the group, per Sebastian’s request. He wants me to control them.**

**I am never in control.**

**We pass the music room. The door is closed.**

**Just like the only door that matters.**

**I want to open it.**

**I want to open the door.**

**I don’t open the door.**

**I am reminded of a movie, from before.** **Moana. ** **I don’t remember the name. The girl sings about the voice of the sea and how it calls to her, and how she yearns to go. My past beckons from behind that door, but I revile it. I will not answer my summons.**

**So instead, the summons comes to me.**

**I** **can’t** **don’t put them in the black cells, despite Sebastian’s instructions. My feet refuse to carry me any lower than the arenose grey. One Endarkened opens the door and my** **family** **cortege is shoved inside. My brother wants them to wear the manacles, but** **I won’t let that happen** **it’s inhumane and cruel. I leave the torch.**

**I need to return to the music room.**

**I go to bed. The shadows won’t stop dancing.**

**Bags are prominent and heavy under my eyes by the time the sun is risen. I don’t even bother with an energy rune. Instead, my wakeup call is my own incredible emotional weight, a surprising substitute for caffeine. The morning is bright, and painted streaks of sunlight stream into the hall through the surplus of high windows. Everyone looks almost as bad as I imagined.**

**Except for Sebastian, privy to everyone’s expectations. His face is glowing ice fresh in the light of the new day. He isn’t smiling, but he is pleased.**

**“Good morning,” he says. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard him say the phrase. “I hope you are finding your stay up to your standards.”**

**Isabelle spits on the ground.**

**“Oh dear,” is his only reaction. Before I can even blink,** **someone I used to know** **Amatis is in front of Isabelle’s kneeling form, and her fist is connecting with Isabelle’s jaw. Alec shouts something, and Jace lunges for the Endarkened woman, but the fight is over before it even begins. Simon’s fangs are biting through his bottom lip as he bares his teeth, and a thin line of blood runs down his chin. My heart jerks painfully in my chest as Jace is wrestled away from Amatis and shoved back in line.** **They shouldn’t have come here.**

**They shouldn’t have come here.**

**Out of nowhere, a spark of anger ignites within me.** **_How dare they come here, after everything I have done to protect them?_ ** **I demand, though there is no one to answer my thoughts.** **_How dare they throw my sacrifice back in my face like this?_ **

**Because if it were any one of them, I would come back any way I could. I wouldn’t stop for anything.**

**Smoothing the muscles in my face, I stand, having made my decision. It's rash. Descending the lector and moving to stand in front of the group, an icy calm permeates in my chest. Five pairs of eyes latch on to me, gazing back. I meet none of them. Instead, I say, “Sebastian?”**

**“Hmm?”**

**“In case you were not already aware, these people are going home. And I will stop at nothing to guarantee it.”**

**There is a pause, and then, “And is that a promise?”**

**When our eyes meet, he already knows the answer.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, forgot to mention! Simon is still a vampire, because if you remember, the only reason he regained his mortality was because the gang had to summon Asmodeus in order to get home, and Simon's immortality, as well of his memories of the Shadow World, was the cost. In this alternate reality (or whatever you call this), these series of events never happened, so Simon is still chilling with the undead. I decided to rid Jace of the heavenly fire, though, so you will not see any of that in this story. Sorry for not mentioning that before :))


End file.
